about 20 times in any given day the inhabitants of or random visitors to my home experience noise so alarming that they have cause to throw their hands up over their ears, and run in fear for any kind of availible underground cover.
the reason for this is not some kind of time loophole which means that accessing the bathroom immediately transports one back to the second world war (although i might start saying it is), but my daughter experiencing any sort of difficulty. this might include grazing herself against a door handle, being unable to use exactly the right shade of purple felt tip (because she left the lid off earlier), or, just now, being unable to satisfactorily fashion a mermaid's tail out of a 6ft square bright pink fleece blanket. any of these, or indeed myriad other inconveniences make her bellow like a harpooned bloodhound. or twelve harpooned bloodhounds. through an amp. turned up to 11.
the volume that she manages to project is staggering. as both her brother and i are sensitive to noise, we can sometimes spend the day in a state of perpetual aural anxiety, which of course is nothing to the state my little girl gets into at every tiny little injustice of life. her outbursts and the verbal attacks on me, her brother, or any inanimate object in the vicinity that inevitably follow, contrast sharply with her usual sweet, witty and heartbreakingly cute demeanour. this routine is often followed by an attack on herself in which she regrets her actions and chastises herself harshly. calming intervention is inneffective at curbing this ritual bashing of self.
and then- snap- back to normal. her confidence and normal sense of entitlement seems entirely unnaffected, and she takes nothing from what just went down, which is relief in terms of her self esteem but frustrating in that she has learnt nothing about careful deportment around door furniture and/ or stationery care. the same things trigger the same bellows, over and over. its all compulsive, all the time. she has zero physical boundaries and is often jumping on or wrestling others in affection, causing further problems. fortunately, her brother has an incredibly high pain threshhold and an indulgent streak.
beyond my concern for her, i struggle with how much responsibility i need to take. how much is down to her environment and untraditional upbringing, and how much is neuroligical. i know she picks up on my mood when at her most anxious, so i work hard at remaining calm, which is hard at 4am when she is screaming because her duvet has moved 3 inches. i need to know how much guilt i should rightfully claim, because at present i'm overloaded.
the volume that she manages to project is staggering. as both her brother and i are sensitive to noise, we can sometimes spend the day in a state of perpetual aural anxiety, which of course is nothing to the state my little girl gets into at every tiny little injustice of life. her outbursts and the verbal attacks on me, her brother, or any inanimate object in the vicinity that inevitably follow, contrast sharply with her usual sweet, witty and heartbreakingly cute demeanour. this routine is often followed by an attack on herself in which she regrets her actions and chastises herself harshly. calming intervention is inneffective at curbing this ritual bashing of self.
and then- snap- back to normal. her confidence and normal sense of entitlement seems entirely unnaffected, and she takes nothing from what just went down, which is relief in terms of her self esteem but frustrating in that she has learnt nothing about careful deportment around door furniture and/ or stationery care. the same things trigger the same bellows, over and over. its all compulsive, all the time. she has zero physical boundaries and is often jumping on or wrestling others in affection, causing further problems. fortunately, her brother has an incredibly high pain threshhold and an indulgent streak.
beyond my concern for her, i struggle with how much responsibility i need to take. how much is down to her environment and untraditional upbringing, and how much is neuroligical. i know she picks up on my mood when at her most anxious, so i work hard at remaining calm, which is hard at 4am when she is screaming because her duvet has moved 3 inches. i need to know how much guilt i should rightfully claim, because at present i'm overloaded.
k, there's no individual on the planet that can maintain perfect calm when their child is upset. When I was home full time on maternity leave, I was ready for the mental ward at about the two month mark. And what's going on with you is besides the point because it's entirely a function of the way she takes in the world.
ReplyDeleteBreathe deep and vent often...
*takes break in t'ai chi*
ReplyDeletesee, i'm just not sure where the line is. at one hand, this could be just the sort of thing that you see on "supernanny", and at the other, you've got me glaring at strangers in restaurants and passing out those "my child's on the autistic spectrum, fool, so just shut the f*** up" cards. i want to know where i am between those hands.
but for now..*rushes to etsy to commission cards anyway*...