i can't haz cheezburger, or, a uncharacteristically self indulgent, moping post, with possibly tmi. i offer a link to lolcats as recompense.

i'm not quite sure what i'm supposed to think when my SO says we are having problems in our relationship, have been for months, that i am lying to myself if i splutter with disbelief at the suggestion. like i did.

i'm not sure what to think when he says he can't afford, or rather, resents the assumption that he would, take me out for dinner. (it's my birthday in three days, a meal out was all i asked for. we haven't been out since march.) equally, he resents the assumption that he would take me and the children on holiday, to provide us with this, with that... when i never even asked him to. never even hoped he would. wondered if he would come with us one day, yes. never once assumed he'd pay to go to bloody disney, despite his mentioning it mere weeks into our relationship.

should i have thought "ouch" when he told me that he'd taken his parents out for dinner last night? like i did?

he says he's sick of pressure regarding where the relationship is going, if we're getting married. this pressure does not come directly from me. i admit i do occasionally wonder aloud where this is going, if it has a future. it's been three and a half years. we have never really discussed it.

he says he lavishes his time on me, and that, because of me, he has no time to sort his own life out. he works full time, plays basketball, lives alone. on average, he spends 2 to 3 weekends a month with friends, family, or by himself. the other weekends he spends with me. we live 2.5 hours apart. he is angry that i passed up on an offer to get me driving lessons while he had the (then very small) children on alternate saturday mornings two years ago, but now i will be learning to drive this autumn when rudy starts school.

he says that i am not supportive of his plans, and because of me, he and a friend of his will not be going travelling together for a few of weeks this year as previously planned. this is news to me. i was demonstrably upset for him when he told me that he would not be going, and had previously encouraged him to get on with the organisation. apparently i made him feel guilty.

all these ambitions and aspirations he had when he met me are going out the window. apparently this is entirely my responsibility.

there is no time to discuss any of this. it's out there now, since thursday, but there hasn't been a good time to talk about it since, despite his continuing anger.

i have a feeling this might not be the funnest birthday ever.

added to which i undertook at the beginning of the week to do the frigging master cleanse (dairy allergies) and now only my tenacity is seeing me through. if i stop, i'll get judged by a man that stopped smoking, cold turkey, three weeks ago. with help from the alan carr book i bought him last year.

burger king would help.

sorry.





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