yesterday, i posted on a little bit autistic that if the autistic spectrum can be likened to a colour wheel, a diagnosis of DCD, or dyspraxia, can be likened to a "diagnosis" of "blue-ish".
is a "blue-ish" diagnosis helpful? well, when a kid is four, definately- especially if you thought he was "green-ish", and was just hulking out all over the place. he probably won't become truly navy, or sky, or cerullion, until he is in his mid twenties anyway when he knows himself and can effectively communicate who he is... but it can be infuriatingly vague. don't most parents like to have a handle, however fantastical, on their children's future? faced with any possible impediment to a happy, secure and fulfilling life don't you want, especially when first faced with a diagnosis, that impediment to be brought into much sharper focus? you want to know what you' re up against- every heartbreaking detail, every worst possible scenario. but it goes away, and you are left with your calmingly "blue-ish" child, and a fresh sense of perspective; better equipped.
the comparison i immediately draw with this sadistic foray into the unknown is the demands for detail someone makes when told their loved one has commited an infidelity, when for some reason you seem to draw a twisted strength from any sickening detail you can glean- for any handle on the extent of your betrayal.
and this, rather clumsily, brings me to my point. it seems this colour wheel theory can be applied to many things that were previously thought to be either "black" or "white". today, on a single mother forum, i read a description of angelina jolie as a single mother. i sat bolt upright- has brad left? or, more likely, has she left brad? but no. it would seem that this forum describes anyone who is not formally married to the father of their children as a single mother. this forum believes that a woman that cohabits with the father of her children is a single mother. this forum even believes that a woman that is married to a man with whom she has children, but who is not the father of all of her children is a single mother... and i couldn't quite believe what i was reading. i sometimes struggle with the term single mother for myself because i am not technically single, being in a long distance relationship, and that's out of deference for the millions of women that don't have someone to talk to on the phone at the end of a hard day. but i sure as hell parent alone. no maintenence, no contact, no birthday cards... just a whole heap of guilt, and i'm not even the one that left.
so, let's say, on the single mother spectrum, i used to be "purple-ish" (co-habiting with the father of my children), then i was "gold-ish" (completely on my own), and then i was "gold-ish green" (completely on my own, but in a 3 year long distance relationship with someone who has a great relationship with my children, and who knows in the future). i am mainly gold, because my story still elicits empathy and exclamations to do with my perceived heroism when i relate it to people i haven't seen for a while, or people i am just getting to know, even if i dress it up in blase, cheery "everything's great now!" clothing. i don't like it. i'm no hero. if i could, i would tell these people i discoved these beautiful cherubs under a bridge in upminster. and that's not because i can't take responsibility for the fact that i had the bad judgement to procreate with someone who turned out to have the moral and ethical fibre of a ball bearing, it's because i hate for people to feel sorry for me. i don't feel sorry for me so why should anyone else?
what surprised me perhaps most of all about this expansion of the categories that are now covered by the "single mother" label was the extremity of my reaction to it. i was raised by a single mother ("rose gold"- no other relationship, but received maintenence and she worked hard to maintain that we still had contact with our father) and, obviously, am one myself, so i take any negative use of the term "single mother" (and most of the uses are, with a sweeping disregard for why these mothers might be single in the first place) particularly hard. so i never thought i would be defending the term, that i would be so keen to preserve it for the relatively martyred few- i mean couldn't it be in someway helpful to our blighted reputation that nigella lawson is now counted amongst our number?
and what colour are these women that do it completely by themselves- no help whatsoever from anyone?
well, i'll tell you. they are "platignum".
.
the comparison i immediately draw with this sadistic foray into the unknown is the demands for detail someone makes when told their loved one has commited an infidelity, when for some reason you seem to draw a twisted strength from any sickening detail you can glean- for any handle on the extent of your betrayal.
and this, rather clumsily, brings me to my point. it seems this colour wheel theory can be applied to many things that were previously thought to be either "black" or "white". today, on a single mother forum, i read a description of angelina jolie as a single mother. i sat bolt upright- has brad left? or, more likely, has she left brad? but no. it would seem that this forum describes anyone who is not formally married to the father of their children as a single mother. this forum believes that a woman that cohabits with the father of her children is a single mother. this forum even believes that a woman that is married to a man with whom she has children, but who is not the father of all of her children is a single mother... and i couldn't quite believe what i was reading. i sometimes struggle with the term single mother for myself because i am not technically single, being in a long distance relationship, and that's out of deference for the millions of women that don't have someone to talk to on the phone at the end of a hard day. but i sure as hell parent alone. no maintenence, no contact, no birthday cards... just a whole heap of guilt, and i'm not even the one that left.
so, let's say, on the single mother spectrum, i used to be "purple-ish" (co-habiting with the father of my children), then i was "gold-ish" (completely on my own), and then i was "gold-ish green" (completely on my own, but in a 3 year long distance relationship with someone who has a great relationship with my children, and who knows in the future). i am mainly gold, because my story still elicits empathy and exclamations to do with my perceived heroism when i relate it to people i haven't seen for a while, or people i am just getting to know, even if i dress it up in blase, cheery "everything's great now!" clothing. i don't like it. i'm no hero. if i could, i would tell these people i discoved these beautiful cherubs under a bridge in upminster. and that's not because i can't take responsibility for the fact that i had the bad judgement to procreate with someone who turned out to have the moral and ethical fibre of a ball bearing, it's because i hate for people to feel sorry for me. i don't feel sorry for me so why should anyone else?
what surprised me perhaps most of all about this expansion of the categories that are now covered by the "single mother" label was the extremity of my reaction to it. i was raised by a single mother ("rose gold"- no other relationship, but received maintenence and she worked hard to maintain that we still had contact with our father) and, obviously, am one myself, so i take any negative use of the term "single mother" (and most of the uses are, with a sweeping disregard for why these mothers might be single in the first place) particularly hard. so i never thought i would be defending the term, that i would be so keen to preserve it for the relatively martyred few- i mean couldn't it be in someway helpful to our blighted reputation that nigella lawson is now counted amongst our number?
and what colour are these women that do it completely by themselves- no help whatsoever from anyone?
well, i'll tell you. they are "platignum".
.
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