not in any way frightened of poo..

i haven't written a cv in years.

ask me about anything, well, most things, and i can rattle off 250 fairly convincing words. ask me about me and it all sorts of dries up.

a few years ago, i used to help a photographer friend collate visual information into trend stories and it was easy, because it wasn't for me- i was doing it for her. she'd got the job, she'd done the groundwork, she'd done something i could never do. she'd convinced people to pay her to do something that wasn't drudge work. i ran a mile from anything even vaguely challenging but not because i'm afraid of hard work- i have absolutely no professional confidence. i'm a good, diligent employee (the more lowly and badly paid the work, the harder i work) and i will drop everything and produce words for anyone else kind enough to ask me, but i can't do it for me. once bitten...

right now i am in a situation where i have to think about what transferable skills the last six years have provided me with, and what they can bring to an already underwhelming resume. i've got to go and get a job soon- one that allows for the fact that i have two small children and don't drive, and all the other jarring realities of my life.

i hate to write about serious things, though, in the same way that i have to make people laugh constantly, so here is a top five list of the experience-no-object careers that the various things that have happened over the last decade have prepared me for. well, its a start.


1. police negotiator

what i feel i can bring to the role:-
endless patience and a rudimentary understanding of the criminal mind, bestowed upon me by my relationship with the childrens' father. dogged determination to succeed despite constantly moving goalposts and unreasonable demands. ability to predict and effectively prevent all possible worst case scenarios under pressure. good coffee drinking and awakeness skills. could possibly grow a moustache. good jackets.

2. wedding planner (bahamian)

what i feel i can bring to the role:-
ability to whip up magic with muslin, candles and some ikea doorstops in under three hours. experience dealing with hysteria, panic and confectionary in a pressurised scenario. good creativity skills and an endless belief in romance combined with an unflinching grip on reality. a prevailing sense of understated elegance. constant supply of wet wipes. good jackets.

3. j.k.rowling

what i feel i can bring to the role:-

very little, but i might be called upon as a grammatical girl friday in order to prevent an angry harry saying angry words angrily quite so much. good coffee making skills. good jackets.

4. farmer's wife

what i feel i can bring to the role:-

good genes. a feel for that country living aesthetic- a flair with gingham. good range cleaning skills. the ability to remain in clement humour at 5am. not in anyway frightened of poo. good level of country style crafting attainment. adversity seems to suit me. keen on pickling. good wellingtons/ jackets.

5. life coach (carole caplin type)

what i feel i can bring to the role:-

the ability to cheerlead and dispense excellent advice on virtually everything whilst clearly stumbling through life myself, nails bitten to the quick. good jackets.

... i think i'll look into personal shopping.